I find that many things in life that make us happy. Aside from the stereotypical responses of getting a great job, answering only to yourself, commanding respect, yada yada yada, other simpler things include giving up a seat on the train for the elderly, de-cluttering our desks, buying a new coat, beating Guitar Hero on expert for the first time, watching Gossip Girl, etc. etc. would also do the trick.

But all those things are temporary - we eventually got used to that new job and higher paycheck, and what was once rewarding and challenging slowly becomes the mundane. And once again, we are off again in search of out next jolt. Finding a sustainable source of happiness, therefore, is much harder.

"So, what has science learned about what makes the human heart sing? More than one might imagine--along with some surprising things about what doesn't ring our inner chimes. Take wealth, for instance, and all the delightful things that money can buy. Research by Diener, among others, has shown that once your basic needs are met, additional income does little to raise your sense of satisfaction with life (see story on page A32). A good education? Sorry, Mom and Dad, neither education nor, for that matter, a high IQ paves the road to happiness. Youth? No, again. In fact, older people are more consistently satisfied with their lives than the young. And they're less prone to dark moods: a recent survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that people ages 20 to 24 are sad for an average of 3.4 days a month, as opposed to just 2.3 days for people ages 65 to 74. Marriage? A complicated picture: married people are generally happier than singles, but that may be because they were happier to begin with (see page A37). Sunny days? Nope, although a 1998 study showed that Midwesterners think folks living in balmy California are happier and that Californians incorrectly believe this about themselves too.

 

On the positive side, religious faith seems to genuinely lift the spirit, though it's tough to tell whether it's the God part or the community aspect that does the heavy lifting. Friends? A giant yes. A 2002 study conducted at the University of Illinois by Diener and Seligman found that the most salient characteristics shared by the 10% of students with the highest levels of happiness and the fewest signs of depression were their strong ties to friends and family and commitment to spending time with them. "Word needs to be spread," concludes Diener. "It is important to work on social skills, close interpersonal ties and social support in order to be happy."

I was venting about how my life is in shambles one afternoon when my friend, Teddy had one of his rare moments of brilliance and said something that struck me.

He essentially put my life in perspective for me: Many of the things we stress over are hardly significant in the long run – a typo on our resume, an argument with our parents, forgetting a friend’s birthday, etc., etc.  When we take a step back and look at life from the greater scheme of things, we’d come to realize that these problems are only a blimp.  For example, if we lived to be 75 years old, a couple of days stressing over an argument with our parents (let’s say 3 days?) occupy approximately 0.011% of our lives – merely a blimp.  We still have 99.9890% of our lives to make the best of.

That is not to say that these problems are not important  – it’s just that they may not be as important relative to whatever else is going on in our lives that we should waste so much time and energy stressing over it.

In past relationships, the jealousy card used to be that dirty little trick I pull when I felt neglected by my boyfriend.  I would innocently flirt or compliment another guy and took my boyfriend's display of jealousy as assurance that he still cared.  I actually found it cute when a guy did silly little things to earn my attention back and thought jealousy was a desirable feeling to have in relationships – it kept both parties on their toes and motivated them to step up their game.

For the record, I did not prefer the psychotic, possessive types, but I would have been worried if he didn’t display any type of reaction at all.  Jealousy is detrimental to relationships when given in large or constant doses, but indifference was even worse.  In my opinion back then, it might have meant that he didn’t even care if someone else took his place.

My current boyfriend couldn’t understand my logic for wishing such a horrible feeling of jealousy on someone else, especially if that person is someone you cared about.  Apparently, I forgot what it felt like to be on the other end - the feeling of insecurity, doubt, and suspicion and the fear that I would eventually turn into those crazy girlfriends who spied on their significant others.

He is absolutely right.  The jealousy card is one of those things where the risk is far greater than the reward and dealing it signifies that there is something wrong in the relationship.  Better to openly discuss these problems than play little games to try to make the other person figure out what's wrong.

I once believed that a relationship can work if two people loved each other enough to make it work.   Because they would be willing to compromise and sacrifice, to trust and remain loyal, etc. etc.

Unfortunately love does not exactly work that way all the time.  Sometimes it isn’t as pure, selfless, unwavering, and self-sacrificing as we imagine it to be.  One can argue that isn’t really love, but that’s the reality of it for many people.

I'm sure we have all observed and even been in failed relationships where the love was not the missing element, so relationships can fail even if it's there.

So love isn’t all you need.

My boyfriend told me that happiness is actually the most important thing in a relationship.  Two people can be together even if they didn't love one another.  Because if two people are happy in a relationship, there's no reason to look elsewhere.

We have all heard those crazy stories.  Like the guy who could never seem to commit or the girl who was always too picky – you know, the ones whom you thought would be single forever and used to compare your own relationship progress with to make yourself feel on track.  And then out of no where, they meet someone, get married, and live happily ever after.  True story.

Couples always tell me that when you find “the one,” you just know.  But what does that mean - you just know?  Like the way you know when you’re hungry or need to poop?  I have been in love before, but never felt like that person is the one.

Then finally, it happened to me.  I have only dated my current boyfriend for a few months and I just know too.  I know because being with him reminds me that love is simple and pure – just like the way it is supposed to be before I got screwed over by insecurity, jealousy, distrust, over-possessiveness, etc.

My best friend said that she knows because every time she and her boyfriend have a fight, breaking up is never an option.

My other best friend said that she knows because her boyfriend loves her enough to see a Backstreet Boys concert with her. (And fly to Australia to see her, make her a Hello Kitty birthday cake, let her interior decorate most of their condo, and…well you get the picture.)

So I guess knowing is just different for everyone.  But when it happens, you really just know!